“I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses.” 2 Corinthians 12:5

Weakness is a fundamental part of being a human being. It is a key part of knowing ourselves, especially in relation to knowing God. So how come we find it so hard to admit our weaknesses, even to ourselves? I know I do. This is not me being arrogant, but I have always been the sort of person who people look up to, who they come to for advice and to ask questions or talk about struggles. What a privileged position I was in- and yet it was tainted because often I was pretending to be strong, when in fact I was anything but.
So this entry is about my discoveries about weakness- not just since I began to look into it for this assignment, but since I began this year. This has come at a very poignant time for me, in which I feel that I have finally come out of the stage where I am just getting used to what I am doing, and I am beginning to feel confident and ready to move forward and just be of some use. It may not seem logical, but now is the time to address weakness- because I know that otherwise I will get carried away with my confidence, and yet again, rely on my own strength. I know this is not what God wants.
Often, in fact all the time, God works in the exact opposite way to how I expect. Thinking about it superficially, it could seem as though God would want us to be strong and powerful, marching forward and doing His work. However, God turns around and says: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2Corinthians 12v9). That is a verse that is often used-but when I really thought about it, it blew me away! His grace is entirely sufficient. We don’t need to strive or struggle to be powerful or effective. We have His grace. So we are allowed to let ourselves be weak because then He is strong, through His grace. Woah. That isn’t just yet another verse-that is fundamental life stuff. It means that instead of trying to be good all the time, we just need to admit our downfalls. It means instead of pushing and pushing to be better at something, we just need to admit that we’re not and let God move through us. It means moving on from the mistakes we have made, and instead of trying not to do them again, we rely on God to show us how.
How incredible! Even though people might look down on us because we don’t seem holy enough or we don’t do the right things, or we get scared or worried, God doesn’t. He moves through that, and even more- His movements are made perfect by that. Our actions contribute to making the power of God more pure and more perfect. What a huge responsibility that seems like- and yet all we actually have to do is admit that we’re weak. That we can’t do it alone. In my life, that has proved way more difficult than it sounds.
Sometimes I feel like there is the me that I have made up in my head, and the me who I actually am. Made up me is extremely confident- she can do whatever she sets her mind to, she is great at meeting new people and engaging with them.
Real Philippa is not like that. She is a watered down version of that. She finds it hard when there are large groups of people she has to meet, especially when they’re a sort of person she wouldn’t normally engage with. She likes to hide behind her feigned spirituality when sometimes she really struggles to spend time with God. She is also incredibly lazy, and only when she engages with God does she fully connect with what she is doing.
And those are my weaknesses. That the person I pretend to be is just a slightly tweaked version of who I really am.
But how come God wants me to be the weaker version? Again, logic would say that I should strive and struggle to be confident and outgoing, and yet God asks me to be the watered down version. Not as a cop out, but to allow Him to work. If I admit my weaknesses to myself, I HAVE to lean on Him- allowing Him to move in His perfect power through me.
At the moment I really feel that God is bringing me into a new phase- which is interesting because that’s exactly what Magdy said would happen at the beginning of this year. At the beginning of September, I learned and experienced the true value that every person has in God. I already wrote about the way that has changed my behaviour and perceptions of people. Now I feel that God is bringing me into a deeper understanding of the life He has mapped out for me to live-not necessarily what will happen but the way in which I will live it. A quote we often refer back to in our team is: “All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance; just don’t tiptoe.” This lesson is quite hard to explain so forgive me if I ramble- but what I am beginning to understand is how vital it is for us to let go of our pride. This is particularly relevant at the Island Youth Club, where I am not afraid to admit that some of the young people intimidate me. Sam and I were talking and we began to realize that if we believe that God is good- whatever we do in His power, even if we look stupid to the world, fundamentally it will be good. So what am I worried about? It’s nothing but my own pride, my biggest weakness, which I have to let go of in order to engage fully. It is delicious though that God doesn’t tell us to do this just for the benefit of others, although it is for that, but it is so that we can have life, and life to the full! (John 10:10b) I must not tiptoe through my Christianity. I must make the most of every moment, and not just wait for the day to be over. I must engage, with Joy and in Grace, in order that I might run, hop, skip and dance through my life, in the light of Jesus who I am trying to follow.
This, after lots and lots of conceptual lessons, is the most practical lesson God has ever taught me. The frightening thing is He isn’t asking me to die to my pride and admit my weaknesses just so I can be a better youth worker. I can’t switch my pride on and off. It comes down to this- in order to live my life to the full, I must die fully to my prideful worldly self, take up my cross and follow Him (dancing of course).