The Last Term

So people! I have just returned from the longest time away from Enfield I've had since I arrived in September, and what a bizarre experience it was too. What with residential at the lovely All Nations, to 10 days at home, to Spring Harvest and back to Enfield....It's been a long time, and I missed it so so much. I have spent over 10 hours on trains back and forth, and about 6 hours in a car, meaning that when I finally got back I was pretty confused about where I live!! Especially now, as many of you know, because I have a lovely new housemate called Beth. She is tidy. and clean. Which means the house is the tidiest it's been since Sept at least...and it makes me clean! She is also other things besides tidy too...and we're getting on really well :)

So the 3 weeks of holiday were about two things- reflecting on the past, and looking forward to the future. This term in a lot of ways will be really different, obviously the team has changed because the boys have gone and Beth is here, but as well as that we will be involved with a number of "projects" which are exciting. We also have a LOT of planning to do in terms of May half term and Summer stuff, so my work is going to look a little different this term.

The most exciting thing at the moment is that we've been asked by the academy to organise and present some sex education lessons to the pupils. Because I have recently done the training, i'm feeling really excited about doing this...it will be a challenge but I'm so looking forward to it. The state of sex education in the schools and churches in this country is something that is always on my heart- when I look at what a mess so many people are in because of being ill educated about sexual health, contraception, and just how to BE in a relationship. Sigh. so it's going to be amazing to be involved with this -yay.

In terms of looking back, I think it would be good to reflect on my experience at being on team at Spring Harvest. I was working with the 11-14s team, and having been to Spring Harvest every year I can remember, it was interesting to see it from the other side!
It was the most enthusiastic week of my life...really had to let go of all cynicism and just get into it. This was a good technique it seems- even the "coolest" of kids couldn't help but laugh and join in. It's been a very long time since i've been involved with anything similar, and a very long time since i've had to engage with kids who are so...christian. This was definitely the most difficult thing. Amongst all the fun and games though, God did some amazing things. Praying and worshipping with the team for 2 hours a day really helped me to put God in his place as we were working. The biggest response night was to the talk about action- getting out there and LIVING your faith, which I thought was amazing- God really seems to be moving in everyone about the issues of community and social action. Was a privilege to pray with the young people.
Another highlight for me was helping the kids who had come on their own to make friends. We took about 20 of them to the funfair for an hour one afternoon at the beginning of the week, and they were together from then on. It was SO lovely to see, and so worth giving up an afternoon for.
For me, the week was just really encouraging. Even though it was such hard work, and long days, I came back feeling really energised and ready to carry on- really believing that he IS able to do immeasurably more than we can ask or imagine (Eph 3:20)

So now, looking ahead, in my second week back, I am beginning to apply the things I learned to the way I live my life. Worshipping God, and praying to him every morning allows me to put Him in his place for the day, and remind me why i'm here and what I should be doing. And it's not just praying, but really believing that God WILL move, in a bigger, more amazing way than I have asked Him too. The other thing is realising that the lies that run through my head- like "I can't be bothered" "I'm not good enough to do this" "the young people don't like me" etc etc are just that LIES. They're all part of spiritual warfare, and I need to work through them and against them, constantly fixing my eyes on Him.
Good times.

The empty house....

And then there was one. Yes, that's right, the boys have well and truly gone, off home to prepare for South Africa...leaving me all alone in a big empty house. Scary stuff. I'm on day 6 of 10 alone, and I'm actually doing ok. I thought i'd be much worse.
To be fair, Simon stayed from the day the boys left (Sat 21st) until the Tues, leaving me alone that night...and then I stayed at Kat's on Weds...alone last night, and will be alone for the weekend, until Sunday, when I will pack up for Easter, go to Kat's for two nights, then on to residential, then on home. Phewph!I do have a few reflections on being alone though. Firstly-it's not as hard as I thought it would be in the day times. I know i'm not working alone completely, I still have Kat thank goodness, but still doing a lot of things on my own where normally I would have had Sam with me. I don't know whether it's because i've felt as though it's a "new start", but I think i've been working harder. Being on my own has also forced me to communicate in places I wouldn't, with staff, and especially with students at the academy. Normally i'll chat with them in the playground..but mainly leave them to their own devices. But because I'm on my own now, I've ended up getting really involved with basketball games, having longer chats and helping to sort out little tiffs. Why didn't I do this sooner?!

Another reflection is HOW supportive people have been. Simon and Bec have been awesome from a distance, checking up on me and making sure i'm not sad (because they know if I am even if I say i'm not). Also Kat has been amazing, letting me stay and generally bug her more than normal! Even down to Amanda and Neil (who work at the Baptist church) and people from church, even people at head office,everyone has been checking up on me, making sure i'm not lonely and that i'm looking after myself. People are nice :D I guess then the only hard times are at night when i'm on my own. I will admit that i'm very childishly scared of the dark...and once the lights are off I can't go back into the room to turn them back on (meaning that once I turn the landing light off i'm stuck in my room until morning....d'oh!). I just have to keep reminding myself that the noises I hear are next door (I live in a semi-detached), and that I HAVE locked the doors and windows. MAN do I get paranoid in the dark!!

So basically this blog is to say...I'm alone, but I'm doing ok. so don't worry! and please pray- I don't feel unsafe but a girl on her own at night on the way home is a lot more vulnerable than a girl with a boy...even if that boy is Sam!

Chasing the Dragon

Well....where do I begin with this? I found this book decidedly annoying and fascinating all at the same time. However once I got past the patronising tone of the book, I began to see the heart of a passionate servant of Jesus, and it drew me in. I think the reason I found it patronising is because of the simplicity of Jackie Pullinger's faith...if anything, I can say that she seems to have maintained child like faith throughout an incredibly deep spiritual journey. Jesus spoke, and she went, following Him diligently and knowing He was the only one to follow. Wow! The simplicity of that is beautiful, and although what happened to her at many times cannot have been easy, it was simple obedience and humility that led her there.

Part of me hates these books, because they always lead me to a place (and this is showing how self centred I am now) where I look at myself, and don't like what I see. I believe that Jesus should be involved intrinsicly in every decision that I make. But that is all worthless unless I actually DO IT. He was involved in my decisions about what I was going to do this year, and He was involved in my decisions about uni etc. But he's not really involved in what I should do when a fight kicks off at youth club. Or whether or not I should do the washing up. Pullinger didn't seem to differentiate between the "important" and the "unimportant"- she just walked with Jesus, every day. Every moment. I can hear myself whining "I wanna do that".

The other thing that fascinated me about this book is Pullinger's acceptance of the Spirit. She didn't see it as a big spiritual deal to speak in tongues, rather an essential part of walking with Jesus. Seh accepted, and taught others, that we ALL have times where we simply cannot word how we feel to Gos- and in those times the Spirit intercedes for us. But it was nothing weird and spiritual, it's from scripture and it's based in truth. Again, comes the whiny "I wanna do that".

I started off this book disliking Pullinger. I think this was a good thing, because the book didn't make me think "wow she's amazing". It made me think "Wow God's amazing". Which is how you identify a true servant I suppose...when the things they do point you back to God, not to themselves.

My battle with fair trade...

...and it is a battle.
I have been thinking for a while, and Steve worded it well to me the other day...when did it get to the point where paying people fairly for what they do is the EXCEPTION to the norm? how did human kind get in such a mess?!
And I think the answer is this...human kind are selfish (me included). We get SO wrapped up in our own worlds, our busy little lives, that we don't think about where our food or our clothes come from..it doesn't even enter our heads.
So in one way, really thinking and learning about fair trade this year has caused me to up my game- I don't buy non fair trade chocolate any more, and I only drink fairtrade tea and coffee. But is there actually any point in doing that? Because what about the other food I buy? What about oranges and bananas and juice and.....the list just goes on and on and on until it gets to the point where I think...does my tiny little contribution really make ANY difference? And am I just doing this because it's just the next middle class organic vegan geo-fad?
I'm pretty sure that, no matter what Costa say, they only offer a fairtrade alternative to look trendy. Just like offering soya lattes and organic blueberry wholegrain muffins. Because surely, if they cared about the people behind the coffee, all the coffee they offered would be fairtrade. And then the Costa employees wouldn't scowl at you when you ask for it.
I AM aware that this blog has turned into a fairly angry rant! I just....don't know what to do. I'm going to carry on buying the fairtrade alternative where I can. Surely though, the only thing that will really make a difference to lives is if we, and not just me, campaign seriously to supermarkets, chocolate companies, clothes shops etc, asking for more and more, pushing them further into HAVING to supply a large amount of fairtrade products. Only then will more people in Africa, South America etc be employed by companies that pay them a fair wage. Only then will it be the majority, not the minority that are paid fairly, and able to work their way out of poverty.
There is a link missing, and it's compassion. I have tried to explain to loads of the young people the reason why we only buy fairtrade chocolate, tea and coffee. And even when they understand, a lot of them don't care enough to change. And who can blame them? They don't know the people who work for next to no pay to make their chocolate. Without compassion for the people behind the chocolate, nothing will change.
This blog does have a melancholy feel to it...and it's because, although I am a BIG believer in hope overcoming all things, this thing seems to big for me to chisel away at. I KNOW that "doing my bit" isn't enough. But do I care enough to do more?

“I will boast about a man like that, but I will not boast about myself, except about my weaknesses.” 2 Corinthians 12:5

Weakness is a fundamental part of being a human being. It is a key part of knowing ourselves, especially in relation to knowing God. So how come we find it so hard to admit our weaknesses, even to ourselves? I know I do. This is not me being arrogant, but I have always been the sort of person who people look up to, who they come to for advice and to ask questions or talk about struggles. What a privileged position I was in- and yet it was tainted because often I was pretending to be strong, when in fact I was anything but.
So this entry is about my discoveries about weakness- not just since I began to look into it for this assignment, but since I began this year. This has come at a very poignant time for me, in which I feel that I have finally come out of the stage where I am just getting used to what I am doing, and I am beginning to feel confident and ready to move forward and just be of some use. It may not seem logical, but now is the time to address weakness- because I know that otherwise I will get carried away with my confidence, and yet again, rely on my own strength. I know this is not what God wants.
Often, in fact all the time, God works in the exact opposite way to how I expect. Thinking about it superficially, it could seem as though God would want us to be strong and powerful, marching forward and doing His work. However, God turns around and says: “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness” (2Corinthians 12v9). That is a verse that is often used-but when I really thought about it, it blew me away! His grace is entirely sufficient. We don’t need to strive or struggle to be powerful or effective. We have His grace. So we are allowed to let ourselves be weak because then He is strong, through His grace. Woah. That isn’t just yet another verse-that is fundamental life stuff. It means that instead of trying to be good all the time, we just need to admit our downfalls. It means instead of pushing and pushing to be better at something, we just need to admit that we’re not and let God move through us. It means moving on from the mistakes we have made, and instead of trying not to do them again, we rely on God to show us how.
How incredible! Even though people might look down on us because we don’t seem holy enough or we don’t do the right things, or we get scared or worried, God doesn’t. He moves through that, and even more- His movements are made perfect by that. Our actions contribute to making the power of God more pure and more perfect. What a huge responsibility that seems like- and yet all we actually have to do is admit that we’re weak. That we can’t do it alone. In my life, that has proved way more difficult than it sounds.
Sometimes I feel like there is the me that I have made up in my head, and the me who I actually am. Made up me is extremely confident- she can do whatever she sets her mind to, she is great at meeting new people and engaging with them.
Real Philippa is not like that. She is a watered down version of that. She finds it hard when there are large groups of people she has to meet, especially when they’re a sort of person she wouldn’t normally engage with. She likes to hide behind her feigned spirituality when sometimes she really struggles to spend time with God. She is also incredibly lazy, and only when she engages with God does she fully connect with what she is doing.
And those are my weaknesses. That the person I pretend to be is just a slightly tweaked version of who I really am.
But how come God wants me to be the weaker version? Again, logic would say that I should strive and struggle to be confident and outgoing, and yet God asks me to be the watered down version. Not as a cop out, but to allow Him to work. If I admit my weaknesses to myself, I HAVE to lean on Him- allowing Him to move in His perfect power through me.
At the moment I really feel that God is bringing me into a new phase- which is interesting because that’s exactly what Magdy said would happen at the beginning of this year. At the beginning of September, I learned and experienced the true value that every person has in God. I already wrote about the way that has changed my behaviour and perceptions of people. Now I feel that God is bringing me into a deeper understanding of the life He has mapped out for me to live-not necessarily what will happen but the way in which I will live it. A quote we often refer back to in our team is: “All around you, people will be tiptoeing through life, just to arrive at death safely. But dear children, do not tiptoe. Run, hop, skip, or dance; just don’t tiptoe.” This lesson is quite hard to explain so forgive me if I ramble- but what I am beginning to understand is how vital it is for us to let go of our pride. This is particularly relevant at the Island Youth Club, where I am not afraid to admit that some of the young people intimidate me. Sam and I were talking and we began to realize that if we believe that God is good- whatever we do in His power, even if we look stupid to the world, fundamentally it will be good. So what am I worried about? It’s nothing but my own pride, my biggest weakness, which I have to let go of in order to engage fully. It is delicious though that God doesn’t tell us to do this just for the benefit of others, although it is for that, but it is so that we can have life, and life to the full! (John 10:10b) I must not tiptoe through my Christianity. I must make the most of every moment, and not just wait for the day to be over. I must engage, with Joy and in Grace, in order that I might run, hop, skip and dance through my life, in the light of Jesus who I am trying to follow.
This, after lots and lots of conceptual lessons, is the most practical lesson God has ever taught me. The frightening thing is He isn’t asking me to die to my pride and admit my weaknesses just so I can be a better youth worker. I can’t switch my pride on and off. It comes down to this- in order to live my life to the full, I must die fully to my prideful worldly self, take up my cross and follow Him (dancing of course).

my journey from September to December.....

I didn't know what I was coming to.
I wanted to go to a church and work with nice Christian kids who knew it all already.
I wanted to do talks and lead worship and let everyone tell me how great I am and how gifted and how servant hearted.
I wanted to carry on doing what I was doing at home, in London.

God had other ideas.

I'm at various youth clubs with young people I have never come across before.
I'm at a church which is just starting and figuring out exactly what the point of them being there is.
I started off thinking I knew it all and quickly realised that I don't.
Everything I do is completely different to what I did on the Wirral.

And it's changing me, growing me and showing me who I am more than I ever thought it would.

God basically tricked me into coming here- and I think if i'd had known what I was coming to I would have been a LOT more nervous. I was so ready to leave home and get out on my own though, and God knew what I really needed, even though it was different to what I thought I needed. He really is rather clever.
And now i'm here. How glad I am that God put me in this place!! He has taught me so much, despite my many many mistakes, and I am growing every day now. At the start, I felt as though I was growing one day, and then the next I was failing. As I go through the day to day, I am learning, VERY slowly, to fix my eyes on Him. And as I do that, I see Him changing me.
A couple of weeks ago, I went whining to Simon about...nothing in particular. His response was "Philippa, go and spend some time with God. Clearly you can't do anything without Him."
And he was right. I would have packed this in by now if I didn't have my eyes fixed on Him (at least occassionally...it's nowhere near as much as I would like). What a simple but vital lesson to learn. "I can do all things through Him who gives me strength." How true that has proven in the past 3 months. I REALLY WANT to focus on Him more!! If He moves this much now, I can only imagine how much He would move if I allowed him into every area of my life.
It has only been the past couple of weeks that I have begun to feel useful and effective in the youth clubs, and in the church i suppose. That's not to say that I felt down about it until now- rather I had accepted that there would be a fairly long "getting used to it/getting to know people" process. Which I guess is quite a change in me- until I came here I would have wanted to be good at what i'm doing straight away, and if i wasn't i would jack it in really quickly. I definitely haven't arrived, but i'm gettin there, and i'm so glad i've got 8 more months to work on it.
At training, I felt that the most important thing this year was going to be for me to remember how valuable everyone is. how valuable the young people I work with are to Him. How beautiful and important they are. and it has been so important, in everything I do. But remembering that in my own strength makes no difference- when I focus my eyes on Him, He constantly reminds me of it, and then I know it as more than a fact, I know it as feelings of compassion, renewed strength and patience. That doesn't sound how I mean it...but I hope you understand. It's hard to explain I guess.
So i'm learning truly what a worshipping lifestyle is. How important patience is and how much of a difference it makes to truly fix my eyes on Him.

It's changed everything.

Communication

I think the way that Jesus communicated when he was on earth and the way I feel He communicates with me in my daily walk today are very different- so I'll look at both seperately.

In the gospels....

I find the way Jesus communicated to different groups of people in the Bible fascinating. When talking to the people as a group He was so wise and so compelling. The sermon on the mount I find incredible. Again and again Jesus speaks against the world's viewpoint and points the people to the way God designed for us to live- always starting with "you have heard it said"...."But I tell you". I also love how blunt Jesus is during the sermon, eg matt 5v30 "It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to go into hell". Often in my life I find myself trying to make the truth about Jesus comfortable and nice to hear- but it SO isn't. The sermon on the mount alone says that we must settle arguments quickly, when we like to drag them out. Our lustful thoughts matter just as much as our actions, and the oaths, commitments and even words we say to people absolutely must be truthful, without swearing by anything. etc etc etc.
Then again, he isn't always so blatant about what He means. Sometimes He told some really confusing parables, leaving the people who wanted to argue reeling, and leaving the people who wanted to learn yearning for more of Him. How clever! It's almost like He was God or something...
I love the way He communicates with the disciples too- that it is so different to when He spoke to the masses. Although it is sometimes scornful (mark 8:33- "Get behind me Satan!") It is ALWAYS in love. Not to say of course that he only had love towards the disciples, but I find it fascinating that Jesus had a group of people that he was SO close to. Is is only to the disiples that he explains more fully what He means and what is going to happen, although of course they are still left a little confused (Luke 18v 34- "The disciples did not understand any of this. It's meaning was hidden from them, and they did not know what he was taling about") The realtionship between Jesus and the 12 was fascinating and so...beautiful! (for want of a better word. )
A final note...I always thought that the Pharisees were kind of "the baddies"- but of course Jesus loved them as much as anyone else! When you really look at it, I honestly believe that Jesus never speaks against them as individuals, only against the traditions that they hold so dear. It was the Pharisees that felt they were being scorned because His teachings were opposed to Jewish tradition. They were as misguided as the people, and the disciples, and well, us!

In me...
It's amazing how I feel Jesus communicates with me connects with how he communicated when He was on earth. I often get scriptures that recur in different places until I realise it's Jesus- how typically human not to notice until the fourth or fifth time. This totally resonates with how Jesus used scripture in his preaching on earth, and always reminds me how amazing scripture is. How come we can sit down with any book apart from the Bible and read for hours? Because Scripture is SO packed full of meaning, even a few verses can leave me chewing over it for weeks.
Also, I find that Jesus connects with me through life- through every day things that I do in routine- and one day he'll just BE in that situation and show me that it is indeed a holy action, even if it is picking the ming out of the plug hole in the kitchen sink. Eugh. This reminds me of the way Jesus used to speak to the people when He was on earth- using things they would come across every day to speak to them- eg the parable of the sower, the parable of the lost sheep etc etc.

How beautifully complex God is!!